Part of my world

I can’t believe I’m sitting here. Crying! The guy next to me just walked over and offered me a napkin and we talked for a bit. I hardly never cry. But it feels like I got more sensitive. It feels easier to cry than it did before. And more like a relief than pain. I don’t care that people look.

I just pulled one of my angle cards. Felt that I needed their support. They gave me the heart chakra. Telling me that love is the heart of the matter. Your heart is the center within your physical being attuned most to love. It’s safe for you to love and be loved with an open heart, as we stand by with perfect protection and guidance. The more you open your heart, the more love, joy and peace you’ll feel. I don’t know if that made me feel better.

It felt like I made the decision of going to the United States as an au-pair yesterday. I was answering hostfamily emails and talking to other au-pairs about how it was like. Now I know. Way to well, that being an au-pair is both a pleasure and a pain. Right now, mostly pain.

It is impossible to explain the feeling for someone who hasn’t been in the same situation. Impossible! Maybe some people can compare it to a break up in a relationship. When you say goodbye to someone who been part of your life for a period of time. But you might see each other again. I don’t know if I will ever be able to hug Eva again! To sing along with Alek and to spend time with John and Tara! It kills me.

I came to the United States to a family that I didn’t really know. But I got to know them. Their flaws, their joys, their souls and the life that they where living. I lived it too! For a year. They got to know me as well. Good and bad things, sad and happy moments. I opened my heart. Got vulnerable. I got torn from time to time. And I had good times as well, happy, enjoyable, memorable. It’s crazy how a year can just run by, so quickly, without you really thinking about it. You always look at the time, smile, and think I’m home in 5month. But when the time really comes, are you ready? Are you ever ready? I don’t think so. I don’t think I’m ready.

This year is a part of me forever. I have learned so much. I have grown so much. I have loved and been loved. I’ve got to known people that I will never forget. This is me now. Even though I’m leaving my life here and everyone in it. They are physically taken away from me. But emotionally they will always be there.

When we got in the car about 3 hours ago I was feeling numb. It was all unreal. We drove away. I left my room, my house, saw my car for the last time. Drove by the grocery store and the canal.  I knew it was only one more hour that I would spend with the people in the car. Still I didn’t know what to say. We arrived at the airport and it was a heartbreaking goodbye. I didn’t know how to say goodbye. How to you say goodbye when you know it is really goodbye?

And off they went. And me too. I will most likely never see them in real life again. Never be so close again. I can’t believe it’s over. This chapter of my life is over. Like the book about me and I’m on the last page. Crying about the ending, not knowing how it will turn out. Will it be a continuing between them and me? I know that I will skype them, email them, send postcards. But it will never be the same. But I will remember – always!

I just read the card I got from Tara. It made me cry even more. I hope they read this..

People who know, knew I had a hard time in the end. But in times like this – you forget. You only remember the good things. The love. The happiness. The things that makes it so painful to leave. This pain is unbearable. I hope it eases soon. I love you. Especially Evie. I don’t even know how I will do it without you. This poem is for you. 

You are the light shining bright

Such a beautiful sight

Bright as the sun

And sweet as a bun

You took a piece of me

Now I’m shining too you’ll see

So hold it tight

And dream of me at night

and everything will be alright

with a piece of your heart by my chest

my soul can find rest

with that said

I want you to know

That you’re not one in a row

You’re special

And I love you

I love you

I love you!

Somehow I have to try to be strong. This is life. Life is not easy. I knew that. Life are challenging. I knew that too. So how come I feel like I didn’t know I was going to feel this way?  So empty right now. Hollow. Lonely. Sitting here on a chair at the airport, waiting to turn over that last page.


♥ Rebecka